Jaime 2.0

No ILF this week.  Instead I am hating everything.  Because it’s what I do best.  Feel free to hate along with me.

I HATE…  that my computer got fried a month ago during a power surge, we’ve taken it to Geek Squad and had it checked out (do they ever know anything?), bought the necessary parts for it, and it’s worse off now than it was before.  So I have to buy a new computer.

I HATE…  that I have to buy a whole new computer and it costs what I make in a month from unemployment.

I HATE…  that when I get upset, my entire body reacts in a negative way – ways I’m not even comfortable thinking about, let alone talking about – but it happens.  AND I HATE IT.

I HATE…  watching a TV show and not having the next disc when you’re clearly done with the last episode on the disc that you have.

I HATE…  having to wait for anything, even if it’s bad news.  I’d rather just know everything right away because it cuts down on worrying, and worrying is always worse than knowing.  Always.

On a positive note: I get a new computer.  I get a new computer, but I still hate everything.  And I’ll hate my new computer until it gets here, at which point I will most likely fall in love with it.  Deeply in love.

What do YOU hate today?
And if you’re not feeling the hate, what do you LOVE today?

Dear Diary,
My hair gets everywhere.  I would say that I’m glad you don’t have to put up with such a thing, Diary, but that isn’t entirely true.  You DO have to put up with my hair getting... well, everywhere.

You know what’s the worst, Diary?  No…  I won’t tell you what the worst is.  But it’s really annoying, let’s just leave it at that.  There are some things I don’t want to tell even you.  You can be glad of one thing, Diary: you aren’t human.  The worst that can happen to you is a hair in your binding or in between your keys, which I promptly remove without much fuss.

I take good care of you, Diary.  I am not always so lucky.

Love,
me

I was thinking about taking a day off from blogging today to recuperate from vlogging for 31 straight days, but I realized that I don’t want to.  I want to write.  I want to post blogs about the things I’m thinking and feeling.  And right now I’m feeling relieved and fulfilled about VEDA, and hungry for this ramen that is cooling off beside me.

Now that it’s over, I’ll have time to read blogs again!  My reader filled up so many times, and there were hundreds of blogs that I didn’t read and I felt bad.  I always feel bad when I don’t have enough time to read the blogs in my reader.

I keep thinking about babies.  I want to have kids, but as much as I want to have them I know I’m just not ready.  People tell me that you’re never ready to have kids, but once you have them you get ready quick.  Maybe it’s selfish of me, but I want to wait a little while longer (which is good, because The Destroyer isn’t ready either) so I can do things on my own without having to worry about a baby.  I want one.  But not yet.

I cooked dinner last night for my in-laws and we had a lot of fun.  Or at least I did.  The food came out good, and I enjoyed spending time with them.  They moved out about two months ago and we haven’t seen them much since then, so it was nice.

I’m done watching My So-Called Life.  It’s sad that the show only ran for one season, but that’s alright.  I ordered the first season of Grey’s Anatomy from Netflix, I haven’t seen seasons 1-4½ so I have 1-3 in my queue.  I’m loving Netflix so far (The Time Traveler’s Wife comes in today) and my mother-in-law gets to watch all the movies we get so it’s like they get double the use!  :]  It’s really going to come in handy for TV shows I’ve always wanted to watch but couldn’t start in the middle of a season.

Today is the very last day of VEDA, and I wanted to share with you guys my last two VEDA videos.  As I said on Friday, I am both happy and sad that it’s over.  I can already guess that I’m going to be checking my YouTube daily for new videos from everyone, just out of habit for the first couple of days.

Alright, my final two VEDA videos, and then on to other not-s0-important things…

(You can watch all of my videos on my YouTube page, or by clicking the VEDA tab at the top of my blog where it links you to each video individually.)

I’m planning on making a chicken dinner tonight for my husband, brother- and sister-in-law, and my mother-in-law.  I totally love cooking for other people, so I’m wicked excited.

Also I think I need to buy Windows 7 for my computer, which makes me rather sad because I totally love XP… but I want it to be up-to-date, even though I’m going to have to re-learn since it’s so different than XP.  We’ll see.  I kind of can’t afford it right now though, so my computer will just have to wait.

And wait.

That’s all for now.

I don’t have anything to say for myself.

I’m getting it in just under the wire tonight, folks.  I feel like I’ve been blogging up a storm lately.  Or something like that.  Speaking of storms, it was rather thundery outside today, and I did not like it one bit.  Actually, I didn’t see any lightning so it wasn’t so bad, but the thunder was so loud it sounded like someone was banging on the house.  Weird.  ANYWAY, on to our regularly scheduled programming.  Or something….

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I LOVE…  that The Destroyer makes the best ramen, and he takes care of me when I’m sick and knows exactly what I need to feel better even when I don’t know myself.

I LOVE…  The Destroyer.  He is the light of my life in every way.

I LOVE…  that soon my desktop will be good as new, literally it will pretty much be new with a new hard drive and power supply.  I miss my desktop so hard.

I LOVE…  that I finally have a charger for my video camera again.  Just watch, though.  Now that I’ve purchased a new 35$ charger, my old one will turn up.  It would be nice if it did, since my little hand-held solitaire game is also in the bag with the charger, and the charger for my digital camera too.  I really miss that solitaire game at night.  Jean gave it to me.  I miss her.

I LOVE…  that Sarah and my dad both now have Windows Live Messenger and I can talk to them all the time.  I really miss them.  Now they need webcams!  I insist.  I wish the rest of my friends and family would get MSN/Windows Live because I hate AIM and I’m always logged into MSN.

I LOVE…  the music from Fallout 3.  Seriously.  It’s stuck in my head all the time, probably because The Destroyer is always playing it or humming one of the tracks.

I LOVE…  Little Big Planet.  OMG it is so cute.  Have you played it?  My Sackboy is so cute (read: wears a crash helmet).

I LOVE…  My So-Called Life.  And a whole bunch of other TV shows.

I LOVE…  that VEDA is almost over.  Seriously, guys.  I’m having so much fun with this, but just watching all the videos is taking up so much time every day.  Also I think The Destroyer hates it, and it makes him not-so-lovey (which is a serious accomplishment, believe me)… so I’ll be glad AND sad when it’s over.  BUT!!!!  I’ll be super excited to vlog once a week, though!!!

What do YOU love today?

I was reading my friend Georgia’s blog last night as I was catching up on my Google Reader (still overflowing, by the way), and what she wrote a few days ago really struck a chord in me. (READ IT – it’s not too long, and I command thee)

You see Georgia and I, while never being exceptionally close friends in any way but I like to think we have a lot in common besides this, are in the same predicament.  She is from Rhode Island.  I am from Rhode Island.  She moved to WA to be with the guy she loves.  I moved to MS to be with the guy I love.  People stopped talking to her, maybe not on purpose but still….  People have stopped talking to me, too.

It’s hard, being away from everyone and everything that has ever meant anything to me.  It’s hard enough being 1300+ miles away without people forgetting about me.  And people are forgetting about me.  I’ve been gone 3 months.  It’s enough to make me wonder why I ever cared so much about anyone when no one can take the time for me.

Of course there are exceptions to this: my sister Sarah, my mom, and lately my little brother.  But that’s about it.  What happened to my friends?  What happened to the rest of my family?  The last incoming phone call I received that wasn’t from CVS or anyone in Mississippi was on August 15th from my mother who wanted to read me my mail.  Before that the next soonest one was from a friend on August 5th and he was just returning my phone call about computer problems.

It’s HARD ENOUGH being here, alone in a world of people that aren’t mine.  I know I’m technically not alone, but in some ways I am very much alone.  It’s HARD ENOUGH being here, where I’m a stranger in a small town in which I do not fit in with anyone.  It’s HARD ENOUGH that I can’t see anyone that I miss, but they all seem to just go about their lives as if I never existed in the first place.

It’s hard enough without feeling like the only one that’s making any effort what-so-ever is me, and no one else even cares.

You can’t ever take back the things you say, to anyone.  What’s been said can’t ever be unsaid.  No matter how genuine they’re meant to be, things you say can be hurtful.

The words themselves might be a mouse, or they might be an elephant.  You may even be forgiven and forgive yourself.  But those words will always be there between you, no matter how badly you wish you could take them back.

Some things are just better left unsaid.  I wonder if I’ll ever actually learn when to keep my mouth shut.

Most of the time I consider myself a good, considerate person.  Then I say or do something that contradicts this image I have of myself, and I’m left wondering: am I really who I think I am, or am I just kidding myself?  It’s those times when I say and or do something to contradict the image of me that I’ve built up that I really disappoint myself.  I hate to be negative about myself, but I can be such an idiot.

Can anyone really be a good person all the time?  Is it possible, or is it unrealistic?  Because if it’s possible I’m going to keep trying.  And if it’s not possible, I need to learn to not be so hard on myself.

Life is messy.  I don’t like messy.  I like neat and clean, clear cut lines, rules, routine and repetition.  So when something gets thrown at me, I go all off balance.

And you guys know how bad my balance is, right?

I need to learn to be more open, to adapt a new life stance – if you will.  Something defensive and still playful without being too rigid.  If I have to do something tomorrow that wasn’t premeditated, I need to learn how to NOT freak out.  What usually happens is that tomorrow comes and it’s noon-thirty and I’m still in my pajamas and I still have to shower and vlog and make dinner, and then BAM! someone shows up at the door unexpected just wanting to hang out with The Destroyer (this happens a lot – no one around here calls first).  So my immediate response is frustration, which turns into anger: partly at myself for not being ready to receive company (read: I look like Medusa, not Jackie Kennedy) and partly at the intruder because no one has ever needed to call first before stopping by.

If it’s almost 1pm (or 4:30, don’t judge me), why am I not showered and dressed?  Why can’t people just call first?

Part of me wants to change my routine from (roughly):

1. wake up
2. make bed
3. make breakfast
4. check computer
5. stay on computer
6. make lunch
7. take shower
8. play on computer
9. make dinner
10. eat dinner
11. play on computer
12. bed

to:

1. wake up
2. make breakfast
3. take shower
4. get pretty
5. wait around just in case company shows up
6. make lunch
7. wait around just in case company shows up
8. make dinner
9. eat dinner
10. do some more of that waiting
11. bed

But that’s just not realistic!  I’m constantly having to convince myself that I’m not a bad wife just because I’m not used to living the way they live here.  I’m always telling myself that I don’t need to be angry or frustrated.

I’m too rigid.  I need to be more open and flexible.

Help.

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Today’s VEDA -

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Current favorite song:  Don’t Unplug Me – ALL CAPS

Sort of *fingers crossed*.

We took my desktop to the guys at the Geek Squad today and found out that I need a new power supply and a new hard drive.  BLAH.  At least now I know what’s wrong with it.  So we bought me a new hard drive and an external so I can start backing everything up, and now I’m just waiting on my new power supply.  And if it doesn’t work after all that, I’m going to be ten extreme degrees of pissed off.  I just hope that I can access my old hard drive as a secondary drive to get all the pics and videos off of it.  I don’t want to lose everything, but I’m about 70% sure it’s all gone anyhow.

In other news: I miss Rhode Island.  I miss my family, I miss the towns, I miss the stores and the streets and the weather (yes, I just said that), and I miss my friends.